People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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