So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Randomize
