1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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