So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
Randomize
