Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
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