I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
