The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Randomize
