he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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