I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
you had me at cake vodka
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
Randomize
