someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
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