yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
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