FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
Randomize
