4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
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