I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
