Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
