He told me they were just razor bumps!
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Randomize
