I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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