i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
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