you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
