she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Randomize
