Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
It's not a walk of shame if you run
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
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