I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Randomize
