You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize