You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
