i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
I saw that some person on TFLN used a bag of wine as a pillow. I tried it last night. I forgot to close the spout. I woke up and thought my face had a period
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
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