Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
