Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
