I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize