Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Randomize
