I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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