I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
Randomize
