I just am on my way home.. i had 3 and one startd crying and puking.. so they went home. one bitch fuckin ruined it for evryone.. u playin cards?
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
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