I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize
