i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Randomize
