No awkward lesbian experiences without me
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
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