Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
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