Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
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