You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
