maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
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