Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
