While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize
