I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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