i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
