I cut my penus on the lid.
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
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