I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
Randomize