I met the friendliest cop last night
fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
Randomize
