Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
What drink are we having for lunch?
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
Randomize
