Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
Randomize
