if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
