If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Randomize
