Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
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