as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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