What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
