i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
Randomize
