I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
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