WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
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