wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Randomize
