Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
Randomize
