I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
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