I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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