Can i not drive my cunt home
She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
Slut skills are useful in every country.
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Randomize
