Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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