Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
