it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
Randomize
