i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
