i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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