Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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