Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
